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The best thing a mother can give her child is her own happiness!
Every mother wants the best for her child. She wants him to study, to succeed in life and to be happy. Mothers read tons of books, attend all sorts of seminars and take classes on how to best raise and care for their children. There are thousands of techniques and instructions on what a mother should or shouldn’t do in order to be successful in the most difficult profession in the world, the one with the greatest responsibility – being a parent.
Motherhood is not easy. It requires a huge amount of energy, work, patience, and love. Most psychology books advise that we do this or that for the sake of our children, the child must eat a healthy meal this many times a day or spend that many hours sleeping, running, playing…
Not a single book, however (at least not in my experience) tells us what the mother must do for HERSELF!!!
Because, the truth is, when the mother is happy, the child is happy, too.
This is why there is something really important that every mother can do in order to give her child the very best. And it is: cater for her own happiness!
My observations show that every woman goes through huge changes once she gives birth. As soon as the baby arrives, it seems like she ceases to exist! She focuses her entire being on the little creature, completely forgetting and ignoring herself! And it can continue like that for years!
She gradually becomes nervous, short-tempered, impatient, anxious, depressive, etc.
Of course, the changes in her have a direct impact on the children and the father. Because, dear ladies, whichever way we look at it, the truth is: “The woman is the Sunshine of the family!” And if the Sunshine is bright, it illuminates everything around it, and everyone is happy! If it starts to fade away, it directly affects every member of the family. Of course, the children suffer the most…
Because children are like sponges. They absorb the emotional state of their parents and especially the mother! You may not be aware of the fact that the mother and the child share the same aura up to a certain age and are completely interconnected, so if Mommy feels good, the child feels that way, too. If Mommy starts feeling stressed and anxious, this reflects on the child 100 %.
This is why I repeat: “The best thing we can give a child is our own happiness!”
Let us look into the things I mentioned above in more detail – what is a mother obliged to do for her child? One – the mother must take care of her child! But shouldn't she also take care of herself?
Two – the child must get enough sleep. And what about the mother – shouldn't she get enough sleep, too? ...
I regularly get visits from mothers who haven't had a good night's sleep in three or four years (sometimes even more, if they have had two children one after the other.) And when the body cannot recharge its batteries, it starts running on empty and the problems start – depression, anxiety, anger, etc. All this can be avoided if Mommy simply takes the time to get some sleep! And don't let that little voice inside call you and tell you that it can't happen because there's no one to watch the child, etc... It's all up to you! If you want your child to grow up healthy and happy, take care of yourself!
Three – the child has to eat healthy, balanced meals several times a day. And doesn't Mommy have to do that, too?
Most mothers have “no time” and regularly spend the whole day without eating or try to grab a quick bite of just anything! Or they don't eat all day because they think they have put on weight after the pregnancy and not eating will help them lose it. Or they reach out for something sweet, e.g. chocolate or biscuits, in order to fill their inner emptiness or ease the pressure they feel. Thus, they start spinning into a vicious circle that is hard to get out of. It's so easy to fix this – the only thing they need to do is TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES by eating healthy meals. Eating well has an effect on our entire being! Not only physically, but mentally as well!
Let's take another example – the child must do physical exercise (jumping and running) in order to be healthy. Doesn't the mother have to as well?
I regularly see mothers in my office who say: “Before I had the baby, I did a lot of sport. I loved going to the gym (dancing, yoga, etc.) but since I gave birth, there's no time…”
Of course there isn't! The mothers get completely devoted to their children, ignoring themselves! When we don't get enough physical exercise, we have no way of releasing the pressure and the stress we have accumulated, and we start yelling at everyone at home. We become sad, start to dislike our bodies, begin to lack self-confidence…and so on. Back in the day, many psychologists used to advise their clients to chop wood. Yes, you heard right: “Chop wood!” Why? Because chopping wood is physical labor. It takes away the pressure and we feel much better. I now like to say: “We don't need to go out and chop wood.” We have the gym, yoga, swimming, dancing and so many other things…
Therefore, my dear mothers, do exercise! Exercise will make you drink more water and eat “cleaner” food. It will invigorate you and make you feel better about yourselves, and all this will have a positive effect on those dearest to you – your children!
Forth – the child should play and have fun. And doesn't Mommy have to as well?
How often does Mommy go out with her girlfriends? Does she have time for herself? I often give my clients homework – to find 2-3 hours a week just for themselves, to read a book, listen to music, go out for a walk or spend time with friends. And do you know what the answer is? It's always the same: “I know I should. And I would love to, but I have no time!” Remember, if you don't give yourself time, nobody will give it to you!
That's why, dear ladies, take care of yourselves, because: “The best thing we can give our children is our own happiness!”
Of course, it is very important for us not to forget about the relationship with the father. How often do parents spend time together, doing something fun, just the two of them, like going out to dinner or for a walk or to a weekend getaway? Generally, when the baby comes, the father is the last thing on the woman's list, unless she has to cook for him or do his laundry. But that's not what the man wants! He wants to be alone with his beloved, to embrace and enjoy her, spend time together and hear her say how much she loves him because he is the most wonderful man on Earth. How many of us do this when we become parents? Or, we'll say something like: “I'm the one who needs attention, I want to be told how beautiful and special I am…”
But do we understand that we must give before we receive? If we continue giving our man a long list of things to be done and then criticize him that he hasn't done them properly, how can he come and tell us how beautiful we are? My practice has shown that some men do that in the beginning, but only because they keep hoping the woman will calm down at some point. Alas, that rarely happens. Time goes by and the relationship becomes more and more unstable, often ending in a breakup – and, of course, the children are the ones who suffer the most. If only Mommy could just take some time for herself, things would be different because when the woman is happy, she is kind, positive, always smiling. This has an effect on her partner as well – it fills their relationship with love and understanding. And if the nucleus of the family is stable, raising and caring for children is no longer a challenge. The best thing for a child is to see Mommy and Daddy happy and in love! If the parents are happy, the children are, too!
You can see how important the mother is for the family!
Did you know that there was a study in which a group of children were asked: “What do you want the most for Mommy?” All the children answered in the same way: “I want Mommy to be happy!”
So, my dear ladies, listen to the wisdom of your children and remember: “The best thing we can give our child is our own happiness!”
With love to all the mothers out there,
Albena Simeonova
Child Psychologist and Family Therapist
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